9-19-21 No Expectations
Quote: “Stop expecting YOU from people.”
One of the greatest lessons in life is when you suddenly realize – whoah, not everyone was raised like you were. Sometimes it’s funny, like the time I made lasagna with cottage cheese like I was raised instead of ricotta cheese like Mark was raised and there was a clash of opinions of which Italian version was best. Sometimes it’s flat out mind blowing. “You never went to church? Like your entire life?!” This was the moment I had in college when I found out that not every family went to church on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, and Wednesdays nights. I was in complete shock. I didn’t know it was an option!
But other times it’s not funny, it’s mind blowing, and it hurts deep. You have your own perception of what friendship or marriage or parenting or work life should look like and then bam – you’re let down and you can’t figure out what happened. You would never handle conflict that way or treat someone like that. How could they do that? Don’t they know what I’ve done for them? Didn’t their Mama treat them how to treat others?
As a teacher, I have seen a wide range of family values over the years. What some families feel is important is not what the house next door feels is important. And all of these kiddos are in one classroom. I have to teach things like respect, diversity, character, telling the truth, apologizing, etc. Things that are non-negotiables in some homes are not emphasized as much in others. And that’s okay if we’re not all cookie cutter versions of each other.
What’s not okay though is holding others to the same standard that you are accustomed to and then setting yourself up for disappointment when you realize your values are not the same. It’s just a cycle of sadness and anger that will keep repeating itself unless you get brave and have hard and uncomfortable conversations. Explain your point of view. Share how deeply it hurts you and then let them explain their side. Usually you will find that your idea of how a situation should have been handled is completely different than theirs. It brings two parties to a space of understanding. Expecting others to react and behave the way you do is setting yourself up for failure. It leads to a lot of hurt feelings and offenses.
You may have to agree to disagree but understanding each other helps it hurt a lot less. There is clarity.
This has been a hard lesson for me. Realizing my way of doing things is not supreme. I am raising 3 completely different children who often do not feel mom’s way is best. But what is best is that we keep talking. We share and talk and be honest with each other. I’m hoping the conversations we have at home will empower them to be open and share with others in the classroom, on the playing field, at their jobs, and in their own homes someday.
One of my greatest friendships has blossomed out of the words “no expectations”. To sum up the conversation that lead to that declaration was basically this: we pointed out that we were 2 very different people, with very different lives, and we were just getting to know each other over coffee because we were curious. We weren’t expecting daily texts, weekly get togethers, or a deep commitment. We had “no expectations” on what the friendship would look like. We were just going to let it ebb and flow. We don’t keep score. We see each other when we can. It is beautiful. But there are no expectations.
I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than constantly disappointed!
That’s one of the things I love about God. I know he will never let me down. He has great expectations for all of us. We don’t have to wonder or worry about what is expected of us. The Bible gives us many verses that explain what kind of people we are supposed to be: full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. And guess what our reward is? Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” We can expect these things from him and will never be disappointed! That’s a promise!
